Broken Mother and Daughter Relationship

Hi JMJ, My heart goes out to you. I am a mother of 3 daughters. My middle daughter and I use to be so very close. Then last year she moved out to live with her grandmother wile she went to college for her freshman year. She came back home to live with us while she is out for the summer. Things are not the same. She has changed. It has been so very hard and I have cried many tears since she has been back. She hardly is ever here at home. She is always gone somewhere. She is a different person now. Since she has been home she broke up with her boyfriend whom she had been going with for 3 years. Started partying (drinking) and staying off alot with friends. I have tried to talk to her. But communication takes 2. She will be going back to live with her grandmother in August once college starts again for the sophomore year. I don't know how it will go then. I love her and miss how we use to be so close. But she doesn't seem to have time for any of us here at home anymore. It hurts but I have had to let go. I still love her and will be here if she needs me. I tell her I love her. But I have let go and let her live her life - that by her own choosing - may not include us. I pray she will come back to us one day.

In dealing with my middle daughter now, I try to keep my side of the street clean. She is grown now and can do as she pleases. I don't always like what she does or how she behaves but that doesn't seem matter anymore because as I said she is grown and can do as she pleases. My oldest daughter was talking to me about her sister yesterday. She doesn't get to see her much because my middle daughter is always gone. It is like she is running from something. What - I don't know. My oldest daughter said that she has talked to her sister about her behavior. But it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I keep praying and letting her know I love her and am here if she needs me. I have had to let go and let God. Put her in God's hands. I will say a prayer for you and your daughter. Keep sharing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

Hi JMJ, How are you doing today? I know it hurts and it is hard. I guess at some point we have to just let go and let God. My middle daughter just keeps on rolling along and acts as though nothing is wrong. Her dad talked to her Friday night about how she is right before she left to be gone the weekend. She stayed off Thursday night at her cousin's. Came in at the house here briefly 2 times Friday. Then left again Friday night to go back to her cousin's to spend the weekend and be back maybe sometime today. Who knows? The 2nd time she stopped by here on Friday was Friday night after work. She was so eagered to leave Friday night to go back to her cousin's. She walked out the door with her dad still trying to talk to her. When she came in Friday afternoon and told me she would be going back to her cousin's to stay the weekend. I just started crying. I couldn't help myself. It just breaks my heart that she seems to have no time for any of us here. She seems to be so unfeeling, uncaring. I just pray and put her in God's hands. I just don't know what has happened to her.

Thanks for listening. ((((hugs))))

Oh, I feel for you so much. I have a 24 year old son who is not speaking to me now. Two days before Thanksgiving he sent me a text message saying that I was f____ing selfish and that he didn't even care about the holidays. I had made plans for both of my grown sons to come over for dinner and since it was my birthday also, I had taken the day off work and had a huge meal planned.

I made plans with them about a month early this year because of the fact that every year since my divorce from their father, he has had them over later in the eve and they rush through their Thanksgiving dinner at my house so that they can get to their dad's in time. This year I wanted to have them over later in the day and have a nice meal and relax and watch movies, play games, just have a relaxing ,good time.

He sent me a text, the new way of not having to really communicate, asking if he could come over an hour or so earlier to my house so that he could go to his dad's later. I called him and explained all of the above once again to him and said that it shouldn't have anything to do his father because we made plans so early. That is when he sent me a text saying...Are you f____ing kidding me, it has everything to do with dad. We want to see him on Thanksgiving too. You are so f____ing selfish I can't believe it. I tried to call him and talk it over and he wouldn't pick up the phone. So I sent him a text back telling him that this is the reason that I planned early and if he had explained this to his father and told him that he already had plans with me and told him the circumstances that I was sure that his dad would have understood and made arrangements around the time that we had set up.

He just said ...so be it. I waited and prayed and hoped until that evening and he never called me back. So I cancelled Thanksgiving dinner with the boys! My heart hurts about it and I cried off and on for two days about it. I still hurt but don't know what to do. He won't answer the phone, my texts, or e-mails. To me it seems that he is being very immature for a 24 year old and I was very hurt by the language that he used with me. We did not raise him that way and for him to be totally disrespectful to me like that shocked me. I love hime but I don't know what more I can do.

I guess I didn't help you...I wish I could. But to be honest I think that much of this kind of behavior has alot to do with that generation. It is certainly different than mine. I never would have even thought of treating my parents that way. I just don't get it. I sure hope that you are able to find a way to become close to your daughter again. I will certainly be praying for you!!!

Please keep in touch!

JMJ, I'm really sorry to hear about the troubles you are having with your daughter. I think maybe the fact that you have been apart for so long without constant visits/check in's probably plays into the fact that your relationship is damaged. How do you get along with her husband and his side of the family? Do you think its possible he is putting these thoughts into her head?
At this stage of the game, or any stage really, money should never be the root of the problem...no one these days flat out EXPECTS their parents to be able to help with a down payment for a new house..thats a bit selfish on her part.
If bridges are to be mended both of you must work equally on the relationship, unfortunately from what you are describing, you are the only one willing to put forth any effort.

Hi Ladies

Thank you so much for your support during my recent difficult time with my daughter.

On Father's Day in September, my daughter told her father that he was going to be a grandfather, she completely left me out of the picture, knowing how hurt I would be, well I can't describe the pain I felt as she knew that was the one thing that I wanted most in the world and I have been looking forward to it happening all the time she has been in the country she is now living in.

Her father sent her an email and told her it was wonderful news but that her mother and father were a unit and she couldn't have one and not the other. He then rang her and she told him that she had been very sick with the morning sickness, I got on the phone too and her first words to me were that she wasn't going to fight and argue with me as she was too sick.

I assured her I wasn't on the phone to fight with her as I had only love and concern for her. She told me what the problem was between us and it was something that I had no idea had even happened, something that in her mind was the biggest sin a mother could commit, I had absolutely no idea. Then she told me it was some comment I had made about her getting an award at school when she was in primary school, the teacher had sent a letter home to me asking me not to tell her about the award and I had made some flippant remark that he wanted to see me to discuss her progress in his class. Apparently this has been a bone of contention with her all these years, I can assure you I had no idea of the problem that was magnifying in her mind and would in later years, cause me such heartache. I apologised profusely for my misdemeanour and offered her an olive branch, to which she gladly accepted. I think she was as relieved as I was that I had taken the initiative.

I can only think that the heartache, depression and pain I had been suffering this past 12 months had surfaced in her mind due to her pregnancy, I don't know, I can't explain it any other way.

Anyway, I know this is dragging on, but to cut it short, we now are rebuilding our relationship, I am taking it slowly, I let her lead the conversation when we speak on Skype and I can't express my absolute delight and excitement at the thought of at last becoming a Nana and her dad, a Poppy.

I have decided to leave it all in the past, part of me wants her to know how depressed I have been, but I know better than to ever let her. I don't ever want to go there again and I am intent on working on strengthening our bond and relationship.

I want to thank you all so very much for your support and kind words. I am going to pray now for all of you that your relationships with your children come to a happy ending as mine did. Thank you.

Hi there JMJ

You've been having a real battle with your daughter. This is aweful stuff, all this argiebargie. You must be exhausted.

Unfortunately this sort of stuff seems to very common.

My mother and sister have some sort of ding dong going. However not that any of this happens to help you.

I am glad you have had a resolution with your daughter.

all the best for now.

I'll keep a look out for your posts.

Nb