May 16, 2012 | Subscribe

Help Me PLEASE!!!!!

Hello all,
I am new to this forum. I'm having a very hard time right now. I'm waiting to hear if I am accepted into an eating disorder recovery program. I'm torn. A month ago recovery was all I could think of, then I was abandoned in an unknown city with no place to go and no one to contact. My eating disorder is 29 years and counting (I'm 36 and really feel like maybe this is just for attention at this point). I am also a self injurer, been free for almost 2 months but lately the urge is so strong I can't even shave my legs without thinking about carving something onto what I refer to as my "canvas". I was forced to stop my anti depressant (Wellbutrin) because I was starving (anorexic) and lost 80lbs. Now I'm bulimic again and purge my single meal I eat each day. My thoughts of suicide are out of control. I have the plan and the means...I haven't seen my psychotherapist because she refuses to treat ED's and I haven't seen my psych because he thinks I'm already in rehab. I've had 4 suicide attempts that have landed me in the hospital but I have yet to receive the help I need. My life has been a wreck since I was raped at 7 and again at 19. I don't feel I have anything to offer. I had a nervous breakdown about 2 years ago and haven't worked since. I feel more worthless than words can describe. I want to cut so bad I can see the blood running from my body. The problem: I have absolutely NOBODY to talk too because I've isolated myself from everyone. I know my family would take notice if I died but they are in a different state and I don't think anyone else would care. I'm drinking more than usual, I can't sleep, I can't go out...I'm not living, I feel like I'm already dead. Hot lines don't help...I think if tomorrow I find that I am not accepted to ED rehab to get help for my feelings I am going to do it. I know I will be successful I've thought it through a thousand times but something inside me wants to live the life I've wasted since I was 7, when all of this began, the purging, cutting, low self esteem etc. Please someone...Is there a reason for being when all you've done for years is go through the motions? I don't have children so suicide wouldn't have that great an impact.
Mia

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By tannia on Mon, 07-12-10, 22:38

just a thought Mia, you have NOT wasted your life since you were 7, it was certainly not YOUR fault that things changed from then on... is not an easy life you've been thru.. but it s a life, a lifetime of 36 years many peope now unexisting would've love to have... How many things you been thru, how many things you've learn.. How much help you can give me.

I understand is hard to get into a ED center in the states or Canada, I got into a Rehab facility in Mexico for 45 days, It helps for sure, you do learn a lot but it does not give you a solution, it doesnt cure you. Dont base your life upon a matter of being accepted of not, this has been ruling your life a lot already.

And please do not have self pity, you dont deserve that, You are as strong as you want to be and you can raise yourself high as no one else can get you, no doctor, but yourself. Being scared is healthy, but it also shows a lack of faith, faith can help you. Hold on to something, God is always there for you, watching you.. you dont need a reason not to kill yourself, reasons doesnt work that well with us.. the only reason I can give you is that you're still breathing, therefore is not too late. Make your move. Be strong, cause you are strong, see it!

A 1000 miles journey begins with the very first step.

Support Points: 225

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By tannia on Mon, 07-12-10, 22:39

I also suffer from ED, im 21 yo.. and If u ever need to talk, contact me :)

A 1000 miles journey begins with the very first step.

Support Points: 225

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By justwanabebeautiful on Tue, 07-13-10, 00:23

Just hang in there I no somtimes lives not fair it diffently not your fault that you were hurt as a cold I to was sexually abused at a very young age and I'm corently fighting an ed I used to be a cuter but I don't concider myself one no thoght I have had a few relapse you should talk to your doctor about how your feeling best of luck your I. My prayers and thoughts I may not no you but I diffently care about you love your friend leah

best wishes in recovery

Support Points: 1030

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By ForeverMia88 on Tue, 07-13-10, 12:03

Thank you both for your kind thoughts, words and prayers. I just got a call and have been cleared for rehab. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I can't beat it alone but with help, even a little, I feel like I have a chance at making something out of what's left of my life.
thank you again and best wishes to both of you! I will be back when I'm out of rehab.
Mia

Support Points: 45

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