Weight gain terrifying. How do I get there?

just read NO numbers...sorry won't happen again!
Today I am so scared...scared of even thinking about letting go and eating one 'unplanned' bite. I wanna go back..where it is safe... for me that means restricting. i hate myself for not making ANY progress. I know that I shoudl probably go see a doctor but I just can't get myself to make an appointment. Is it really important I see a doc? I don't want anyone to know and I KNOW she will make a big fuss. i was a LOT heavier last time I saw her and she was worried then already. I just can't do anything right! IF I eat ED goes crazy, if I don't I stay stuck...I fool myself into thinking I'm in control when truth is ED has ran my life for a very long time. What is worth letting go for?

Eating disorders are no joke and if you think your doctor would respond that way, I'd try finding another doctor. If you're over 18, you can go pretty much anywhere. If not, ask your parents about seeing a different doctor, just to try it out. A physician or therapist should not respond that way to a disorder like this. "Freaking out" should not be a part of their 'bedside manner.' If she was worried, that makes sense, it's her job to make sure you're healthy, and if you can't do it by yourself, she has to step in to help.
I had something like an eating disorder growing up. I was horrendously skinny almost my entire life and during early high school, I'd binge and binge to make myself gain weight. I was tired of being the girl everyone whispered about, saying I was anorexic when I wasn't. Almost the opposite, actually.
It wasn't until I hit about 21 or 22 that I actually gained weight and at that point I got depressed because I thought I was overweight. My BMI is about 20ish, but I don't think it looks right on me. But hey, that's just one thing that wears away at my self esteem. There's plenty of others. Along with the depression came drinking problems - bingeing - as well as anxiety coupled with severe panic attacks. Medication staves those off, but doesn't stop the constant melancholy feeling.
Since you're new to this site, I'd just advise to write as often as possible about what's bothering you. It's good to get it off your chest, even if it's not actual treatment. As far as the ED, you should really seek therapy about that as WELL as see a physician about it. Sure, you have to avoid gluten, but there's tons of people with that restriction.
As far as sticking to a meal plan, that's probably par with sticking to a medication regimen for depression (you tend to wish you didn't have to take anything and frequently want to just quit because it doesn't fix everything) as well as compulsions many addicts have.
There's people here who care and can relate, even if they don't have the same disorder. Keep talking and we'll listen.