May 16, 2012
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My Higher Power Actually Loves Me.
It’s only 7 days and things are looking better. I thank my Higher Power, my GOD, and my Lord for another day sober. I use to never thank God for anything especially for a day sober let alone for just a day of life. But now thanks to Alcoholic Anonymous and the 12 step program I realize that I am a miracle by just simply being alive considering how I put myself in danger for so many years drinking uncontrollably. Just the fact that God is giving me yet another chance to stay sober without being in rehab or in Jail or in a hospital shows how much God actually loves me. I say “actually” because I use to think that God simply did not care about me. I have come to find out that God does love me and with his glory and mercy I truly believe that only God can bring me back to sanity. I can’t believe that I am expressing myself towards God this way when just last month I cursed and rejected God. You see, I spoke to the mother of my 9 months twin boys and she answered the phone. I thought she was going to hang up the phone, but instead she answered back and said “I am fine thank you, how are you?” Just last week she did not want to talk to me, so for her it was a major step. I didn’t want to talk much about our relationship, but instead I only said “Annie, I just want to say that I am giving myself a chance to live a better life. I also want to say that I love you so much and I miss you and the twins. Hopefully one day when time passes by we can become a great family and live life on Gods terms.” She then said to me, “I love you too and I also miss you, but I want you to “fix” yourself so we can become a family again. I will be waiting for you. Your babies are fine and they keep saying “dada…dada…dada.” We need you. Tears started to run down my cheeks and couldn’t control it. We then said I LOVE YOU many times and we hanged up the phone. It was then where I got down to my knees and thanked God for still giving me another chance to have my family back. I also begged and asked God to give me strength to fight this addiction, because I cannot do it alone. My higher power loves me. HAPPY 4TH OF JULY.
By nuevavida on Mon, 07-05-10, 07:52
I totally understand what you are going through. Annie the mother of my children is still giving me another chance, I believe the last chance. I say last because she is sick and tired of going through hell because of my drinking and she also has to think about our children. We were supposed to get married last year, but we always kept postponing it because of some stupid reason due to my addiction of alcohol. I got 2 DUI’s, drinking in public, I wrecked my car and so many other unnecessary spending. Till this day and we are not married yet and this was something she really wanted. She basically got sick of being sick and tired of my alcoholism and I don’t blame her. The only reason why Annie still has hope in me is because I ACCEPT that I am an alcoholic and I have the desire to stop drinking and she knows this. What you don’t know serenity26 is that I already lost a wife due to my addiction. I was married really young and after 7 years of marriage she divorced me because she had enough. I don’t know much about her, but one thing is for sure is that she is way more happy now than ever before without me. And believe me my ex-wife really, really tried to help me for so many years, but unfortunately at the time I did not accept that I needed help and I did not have the desire to stop drinking. We alcoholics are very selfish people and destroy many lives including families. But we do this because we have a disease that we cannot control. But once controlled life becomes better and we stop being selfish. Serenity26, I totally agree with you. Loneliness sucks. I feel so lonely now that Annie is not here. I miss her and my twins so much. Yesterday I went to go see fireworks with my aunt and her huge family, yet I felt so lonely. But you know what Serenity26, God was with me yesterday and I kinda felt that God said to me “Don’t worry; your happiness is just around the corner. Just trust me.” A sense of peace invaded my heart at that moment. You see, I really need God at all times right now serenity26 and I truly believe you can find peace in the middle of the storm. Good day.
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By Serenity26 on Mon, 07-05-10, 16:10
Thanks for the response and I commend you for being sober and taking the steps to keep that way...I can say that I tried with him and I question myself everyday if I did it the right way, what I did wrong...everyday is a question of what I could of done different. I tried not to put the blame on myself, but sometimes I do and its not fair...I love him a lot and I have to come to terms that he will no longer be in my life again, cause he is lost with these individuals who tell him negative things about me and offer what he wants...to be drinking...I cannot compete with that and do not want to...what hurt me more and made me stop appreciating him is when he got his second DUI and I had to pawn my engagement ring to get him out...promises and sweet talk was all I got...and maybe he meant it, but I just did not feel it anymore...he also lost his license and then he wanted me to cater to his needs and I refused to, cause I always told him, since he did not listen to me to stop and he got himself into this, he needed to get himself out...For the 5yrs we were together, I always felt I carried the weight. He promised me that he would slow down or stop...maybe for a week and then back to the same thing..and your right he was selfish and he only thought about him and his drinking and who he can drink with...I was in abusive relationships in the past(not drinking) and I swore that I would not subject myself to that anymore and when I met him , he was a god send..but then I realized that even though he has a great heart, he had a problem...maybe he will realize in the long run what he has done, but I guess by then my life has become happier being alone and living my life...serenity 26
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By bluidkiti on Mon, 07-05-10, 04:40
Hi nuevavida, Congratulations on 7 days! Thank you so much for sharing. It really touched my heart reading the conversation between you and your wife. What a great testimony to God and being in recovery. I pray that you continue to work the program a day at a time. I pray that you and your family can be together again. First things first is you staying sober and clean a day at a time no matter what. Keep hanging in there and taking it one day at a time. Keep us posted on how you are doing. ((((hugs))))
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By Serenity26 on Tue, 07-06-10, 04:21
GM nuevavida...I hope your day today is a great one...I have survived my night once again...working is helping me greatly and having you guys to be able to express my feelings is even better....God Bless and know that your not alone and that you have helped me understand alot about him, which has made me realize that I was not "all" at fault.and that I hope that it will not be to late for him..God Bless!!....serenity26
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Nuevavida I commend u for taking these steps...I recently threw out my fiance for 5 yrs. due to his drinking...When I met him it was a bar, but I never thought anything about it because I too was having some drinks...we kept in touch, went out and passed the time having fun and drinking, but I was a "social" drinker as time went on I saw that i was getting ill and it was because of the drinking..I found out I had high blood pressure...so being on meds I stop drinking..he did not, I did not expect him too cause I still did not believe he had a problem, but as time went on I saw the first thing he would do when he got paid was drink, he would buy beer until he had no more money left...it financially was putting a burden on us and that was our arguments...I tried communicating with him, asking him to slow down, take responsibility, but then he got a DUI(his second) and I had to pawn my engagement ring to bail him out...I tried and tried and saw myself getting overwhelmed and tired of this...struggling to make ends meet, when he was living with me and only wanted to help when he could, but always had money for beer...he slowly was getting influenced by other alcoholic friends, that he finally cheated on me and left to live with them...now I am shit to him and he humiliated me and treated me like crap..I am hurt, lonely and confused and am trying to pick up the pieces of my life back again, cause even though he was not an abusive man in certain ways, I love him so much and wish that I had the power to help him...but I realize I could not, not when I have the other enemies influencing him...his mother now hates me, but she doesn't know that truth about our relationship, cause he has made himself the victim and they won't let me explain...so if you love your family and yourself, keep up the good work..and yes GOD is good and he will never put anything in front of you that you cannot handle..in the long run everything will prevail...thanks for letting me share and you share....serenity26