Scared and Confused

Well, to get right into it. I started to go out with this boy who I have known my whole life. We went to the same school and we participated on the same curling team for three years. I never thought of him as my type but one time during Christmas break we decided we might give it try and see how things went. We dated for about four months and he was really nice and really sweet and romantic. I had the best time with him and I would go over there whenever I felt like it. He was always willing to spend time with me, even if he was with his friends, he would always make time for me too. Once we got to the five month mark, he began to get angry and upset about anything I would do. We fought constantly, but I was in my first relationship and I was only fourteen at the time and I thought all people in relationships fought from time to time. Whenever I would tell my friends about the fights they would beg me to break up with him because they thought all these were signs of verbal abuse. I decided not to listen to them. Finally, one day I went over to his place and as soon as I walked into his room he looked at me and said, "You are such a dirty whore." and slapped me across the face. I tried to walk out of his room but he grabbed my arms and told me if I left he would kill me. I crawled up in a chair in his room and stayed there until he calmed down and until he let me leave. I avoided him as much as I could and I tried to always be out of the house so if he called I wouldn't be there. Until one day he saw me hanging out walking around town with my friends and he pulled up in his car and asked me to go to his place. When I said maybe later he looked at me and said "Please, I need to talk to you." So I felt like I had no choice because I knew if I didn't go he would hurt me worse next time. This time when I got in the car, he didn't saw a word to me or even look at me. He waited until we were back at his place and downstairs out of sight of anyone else and he got out a belt. I didn't know what to do. He grabbed my hair and whispered in my ear, "You better be quiet." so I obeyed him. I sat there and let him hit me and whip me with the belt, but I didn't cry. I figured that if he saw me cry he would get what he wanted and I didn't want him to get the satisfaction. The next day, he broke up with me. I had never been so happy and relieved. It has been over two years since this all happened but for the past few months I have been having dreams and flashbacks of him hitting me with the belt and kicking me when I was laying on the ground. I have only slept through the night once in five months. I recently went to see our family doctor and she told me I have a bit of depression and post traumatic stress disorder. She told me there is nothing I can do, and I feel as if I have lost all hope. I am scared and confused and I don't know what else I can do. My friends tell me it wasn't my fault but if it wasn't why else would I still be having these nightmares?