2 months now...

I have always wanted to be in a place like this. In Singapore everythng is a stigma and no one talks about thiings they cant handle. That leaves ppl like me to deal with issues on our own. I just have to put on a front and pretend that everythng is fine even if its not. That is how I get here.All these years, i did not know how to validate my own feelings and I have to wait for others to do it for me. When the time comes for me to do this on my own, I feel so lost and I dont know how to be kind to myself. simply because I have never done it before.

I feel so lonely and its unbearable. Ive told myself time and time again that this is a good practice. Cause eventually my death is near, I would have to face this loneliness again. even if I have lovedones surrounding me. Existential Loneliness. But there is this quiet voice in me that reminds me that i am 28 and I am not suppose to be here. there is a time for everything and this is not the time for loneliness.

My therapist thinks that I have never known what peace means. My life has been filled with negative excitement that when peace comes knocking at my door I wouldnt recognise it. Negative excitement is all I know and thats home to me. abuse is home to me. Its familiar to me. I keep going back there because it is home. The only thing i know.

Iknow how to trudge to the unknown and I have never been this scared in mylife. I am scared and lonely. I am living my biggest fear. No one gets me. They tellme what to feel and what to do. I miss him and wished he was here. He does not have to say anything. Just a hug will take all this pain away.

But I know better. as much as thins hurts so bad. I have to walk through it. how i wish i could show you the pain. I pray every night that i wont wake up to see the next day. I am a coward. I should have just end my life. Whats stopping me? There is nothing to live for....