one year anniversary of my dad's death coming up

I was 21, he was 55. Me, always the typical "Daddy's Girl" was in the shower one Friday morning last October 24th, 2008 and heard my mom screaming "He's dead!", I ran out of the shower, somehow pulled some clothes on and ran to the barn to find my dad, my hero, lying on his back, dead. It was a heart attack, and he had no symptoms. My mom and I, both being nurses, tried to revive him but it was no use. He was gone. I had the unfortunate task of calling all of my older siblings, aged 32, 31, 26, and 24. Now, almost a year later I am finding it hard to cope. The memories of that day keep flooding my thoughts, I've almost completely lost my faith and I am very irritable. My boyfriend tries to help, but he doesn't understand. I went to counselling, but the guy was more interested in just telling me how good of a peson I am to actually help. I can't help but start to bawl my eyes out when I go to a wedding and see the bride and her father walking down the aisle. That will never be me. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm still overcome with grief. Any suggestions?

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abner's picture

I am so sorry to hear what happened and what you are feeling. I am much older so I know what it feels like to see many of my loved ones go. There are so many instances where I can still see where I was, when I found out. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and people will heal in their own way but as cliche as it does sound, time does heal and you have to believe that your father is in a much better place.

I think that it is a great step that you are opening up about it. The biggest problems I would face is when I would close everything up inside and the thoughts would haunt me when I was in bed alone at night. Now I try to open up whenever I can.

I know it is hard. I can feel your pain in your words but I (and all here) are here to listen, to help to care and to help each other get through the dark times because I do feel that there are so many that just don;t get it.

bluidkiti's picture

Hi missmypapa, I am very sorry about what happened to your dad. It is ok that you miss him. It is ok if you cry. My dad died 40 years ago and I still remember what happened that day. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did at one time. I still may cry sometimes and get emotional but that is ok. One thing I try to remember especialy around the holidays is that my dad wouldn't want me to be sad. He would want me to be happy. He so enjoyed the holidays. So in remembrance of him I try to enjoy each day and the holidays. This is still sort of fresh for you. You go through all the firsts during that first year. As time goes on it will get better. It is ok to remember him, to talk about him, to cry, to laugh over good memories. Main thing is don't stay too long by yourself holding it in. Talk about him and share about him. He was a very important person in your life. Please feel free to continue to share with us here. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. --John Wooden
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead, so why should we?
As long as you are alive and breathing - there is HOPE.

Ross's picture

missmypapa: I'm sorry to read about your grief but I do understand it a bit. When I was 25 my father died (age 56) from an enormous asthma attack in the middle of the night.

My suggestion to you is this: I never 'commemorate' my father's passing by acknowledging the date he died. I know I did it for a year or two after, like you are now. But I don't anymore. Surely your dad would want you to remember him on OTHER days, some of his better days- milestones that you know about, and not on the day he died.

13 years after my dad died, of course I still remember the date- August 2 (1996)- but there have been years where I don't realize the day has come and gone until August 4, (2001)- which is my anniversary.

So while I think your upcoming grief is inevitable, I would suggest trying to steer your memories of him away from this date and towards more inspiring ones.

Best wishes
Ross

jonny7's picture

I am sorry how you feel and am sending you my hugs!!!

nana752003's picture

Hi missmypapa

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and I think it is very difficult made worse because of the shock. I lost both my paernts to illness, as well as my daughter at 30n years old.
It is very important to remember our loved ones yet dealing with not letting it overwhelm our lives can be a fulltime task at times. I do find it gets easier as time passes, of course you never forget! But each of us will find our own way. There are days I sit and watch videos just to remember them or the sound of their voices, thank you god for videos! Then there are times I just listen to a song and have a good cry....I feel better after that, let out the frustration in a posative way.
Your dad will always be with you in your heart, never think of him as truely gone, I am sure he is still watching :)

people will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel...God Bless
Linda

joplinfrk's picture

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was 16 when my mom passed. She'll be gone 23 years this December 29th. It gets easier, it really does. The universe has a purpose and reason for everything. Ours is not to understand it at the moment, I guess.
Hang in there..it won't always hurt like this. I promise.

You are worth it!

AudraGeiser's picture

Hello, missmypapa.

I can relate to you soo much! A year ago today, my father died of a heart attack while we were vacationing in Colorado. We were all there when CPR was being done but we knew it was over. I was a "daddy's girl" as well so the loss is even more overbearing.

Something that really caught me in reading your post was that you "have almost completely lost your faith." I want to encourage you to give God another chance. I know how easy it is to just give up, especially after something so tragic. I mean, why would God do that? You know? But there are SO many things that we don't understand from God and just have to blindly trust Him. Blindly take a leap of faith.

My family is most definitely NOT perfect, which family is? But, God really has helped us through this past year. Looking back and thinking, "What was I going through at this time last year?" is not what I should be thinking. I should be thinking, "What was my dad experiencing last year at this time and what is he experiencing NOW?" I'm not sure where your dad was in his walk, but I pray that whatever it may be. . . that you grasp onto God's hand and let him lead you through grieving. He has lightened my load like no one's business. But i still grieve because it's so healthy to.

I know its been a few years for you now (considering this post was written in 2008 and its now 2010) and I don't know where you stand in anything at this point, but I just wanted to give you my input and I want you to know that I am praying for your heart and for your loss.

God really is good.

Audra Geiser

KriKetLin's picture

I now how you feel!! I lost my mom 4 months ago. It is not an easy thing to go through. she passed away from liver failure, caused my Cirrohsis of the liver. She was in Hospice and me and my family were all there when she took her last breath. That was not an easy thing to watch and I know your dad dieing suddenly was not an easy thing either. I turned 28 nine days after my mom passed way...she was 54 years old. It is not easy losing a parent at our age. Even though we are in our twenties, we still have alot of growing up to do that they will not get to see!! My older sister was married in 2004 and my twin brother in 2007. im in the same boat you are, not having them their when you get married! I do know that it will be a bittersweet day for you and also for me when that day comes! We just have to keep our heads up and try to keep one foot in front of the other. I take things day by day and sometimes minute by minute if I need to! Just know that he is looking down on you and is proud of you!! now I just wish I could take my own advice!!! If you ever need to chat, just send me a message on here!! i know i could use all the advice i can get!!

KriKetLin

~*Cricket*~

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