Letter to my parents!!

Im trying to attempt to write a letter to my parents.Im haveing a really hard time with it.How do you tell the two people you love that because they didn't show their love to you and because you felt invisible to them..that this has hurt you throughout your life and that you have been struggling with an eating disorder,low self esteem..without hurting them?
I know that I need to do this in order to get past all of this and move more in my recovery..Im also worried that in telling them they will be hurt but care ...My intentions are not to hurt them.But Im afraid it may hurt them.I don't want them to start showing their love for me just because of my eating disorder.I want to find the right words..to help them understand that I don't blame them.BUt as I look back even though they were not aware of how they were towards me ...I can't help but feel that part of me does blame them..but how can I if they were not aware of any of this??

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hopeful's picture

Grace,

I don't know what's right for you or your situation. I have a different kind of pain in my past... For me, I do not plan to tell my parents... No, I don't want to hurt them, but I also worry that their reaction would be hurtful to me. I am not strong enough for that. Not now. I do think a letter is a wonderful way to get one's feelings out... I think, for me, I would write the letter as a no-send. :)

What you might try, if you feel sending a letter is right for you, is to maybe start with a no-send letter. Freely write your feelings, your experiences, without fear of their reaction because it's a no-send. Then wait a few days... Revisit it with fresh eyes. Think about how much of what you've written is for you, and how much is for them. Think about your statements with your goals in mind. What do you need for them to know, and what is just about your need to 'get it out'? Is there a way to phrase things in, as Patsy has said, an "unfailingly polite" way? (I have those words posted at home AND school! ;0) ) I think it's totally possible to speak your truth and your needs in a respectful, polite way. But it's hard, especially when the subject is as close as I know this is to you...

Strength to you, my friend! :) Write from your heart!

Love,

Jen

http://hopefulhealing.blogspot.com/

Yeswecan's picture

Grace,
You are focusing on the real issues here, instead of the symptoms and to me that is the hard hard work. Getting your feelings out on a no send letter sounds like a wonderful idea. I love the phrase "purge on paper". This is quite appropriate fro ejecting all the feelings you've stuffed in over the years.
If you do send another final draft letter you could consider writing to the truth that maybe they didn't purposely hurt you but..

Regarding your parents feelings, one approach is preface all instances with, this made me feel......
Neutral recounting of the circumstances with little blame but honesty over how these things affected you is a way to do it. I believe in you and your truth. You will find away once you start writing.
Love to you Grace.
Patsy

anon2's picture

Thanks Jen and Patsy

I know I have to write this and no one can really help with it but the ideas you share are helpful.I just know this is something I have to do because when Im with my parents I still feel all these emotion EVERY time Im with them.When Im with all my family members the emotions run even higher.Christmas causes me much anxiety when we are all together.I always leave with a relief that Im out of there but huge sense of loneliness because I don't feel connected to them.That hurts me deeply and I want to try and move past all of this ..and if because I face this really doesnt help and makes things worse for some reason thats the risk I have to take..I would hope that it wouldn't make things worse for ..I am not looking forward to being with them this christmas...I can't wait to get thru this and have the holidays over with.But I hope that somehow in faceing this my next christmas will be one that I can have happy memories and feel like Im part of everything!

thanks ..peace to both of you!

Love Grace!

christa33's picture

i think it is a great idea you are writing the letter, i think this will help you a lot. this feeling you write about feeling "invisible " from them is why you have the eating disorder, i believe...this is a great way to get how you really feel onto paper. wonderful step forward.
when you finish writing it, you can decide if you want to send it or not. i think it is a good idea to send it , but that is my opinion. you will be allowing your voice to be heard. i think this is important to you. if you are honest about your feelings, i dont think it will hurt your parents. but sending the letter is all up to YOU.
im proud of you for looking deep inside of you to find the real culprit of your eating disorder. this is a great, positive thing you are doing!!!!
take care
christa

anon2's picture

Christa
Thanks always for your support Jen and Patsy were the first 2 I ever connected with here besides Jan..you are new and I have recieved much support from you.... thanks.

I do plan on sending the letter because I know this is the root of my problem thats behind my ED and faceing this is the only way for me to get thru this.The new year holds many new struggles for me..faceing my parents is one of them..when I feel I have it right chose the right words then I WILL send them the letter.
Whatever the outcome I know I have to do this!

Love Grace!

christa33's picture

grace, im very happy i can give you my support, any way i can. im not a therapist, but ive been thru a lot with ED--a lot of HELL, and i know what we all go through. i am happy to be here for you. sometimes, i do not know what exactly to say, but i try my best.
im glad you are doing this--you will feel so much better. Your voice will be heard, and i think that is what you want. you need your 'inner child" to be noticed and loved. im glad you are taking these wonderful pro active steps in your benefit. good for you!
on a sad note, a famous holly wood actress--
britney murphy died of cardiac arrest today. rumors are flying that she was anorexic and i remember she came out that she did have anorexia. i used to like her alot. but see , grace, you think you can live with anorexia but you cant. i feel so sad she wont ever be able to see another day.
im glad you are trying , grace, i really am. i see a fighter in you. you can do this!
love,
christa

hopeful's picture

Christa,

Your news about Brittany Murphy really threw me for a loop! She was 2 years younger than me... From what I've found on-line, she refuted having anorexia back in 2005. But she sure looked like she had it... It seems that her husband is fighting an autopsy, but one will likely be performed anyway. Speculations about anorexia and drug use are flying... So, so sad... It's hitting me hard... If it was anorexia... We are all so close to this issue... It could happen to anyone... :(

Love to you all!

Jen

http://hopefulhealing.blogspot.com/

christa33's picture

isnt it weird about the actress, though--and yes it does hit home. now, i just have to say i cant say it is for sure she died of ED, but there were no drugs found in her home and she died of cardiac arrest at only 32. she definetly looked like she had ED--- she did come out and say she had it years ago only to deny it recently. my gut feeling is that she did die of ED, but we'll have to see. well have to wait for the autopsy reports. poor girl, its ashame what hollywood does to women. just horrible.
have a wonderful christmas jen and i hope you are doing well!!!!
christa

hopeful's picture

I'm with you, Christa!! I'm waiting on the results as well, but I agree that it's all highly suspicious... :( It IS a shame... All that added pressure! Can you imagine?? I feel like I'm being watched and discussed NOW!! I can't imagine what her situation must have felt like. If that is indeed the story... :0/

Merry, Merry Christmas, friend! :) I hope you have a wonderful one! I am ignoring the holiday at the moment; I'm taking a break from cleaning the carpets! Oh, the joys of cat rebellion! Casper is not happy about my little one, and is taking it out on my carpet! Grrrr.... It's smelling nice and clean already! :) Once I'm done, and the carpet's dry, I'm thinking about putting up my Christmas tree! A little holiday cheer would be a good thing, I think! :) And maybe I'll even get out of the house for a little bit while the carpet's drying! ;0)

Love to you!

Jen

http://hopefulhealing.blogspot.com/

christa33's picture

yes, it is ashame that she had to die so young from what ive been reading about it, is that she was an admitted anorexic, and people are saying that it was her ED that caused her death. now, we dont know if this is true or not, but if her celebrity friends are thinking thats what happened... well--well have to see...girls---anorexia kills---whether she died of ED or NOT, it still kills......there are many people who die from this who are not in the entertainment industry...where it isnt publicly known......
the reason im so intersted in this is that --it could have been me. i could have been in the shower and be dying, and have my family try to revive me. i guess, that is why im so intersted in this story.it hits tooo close to home. especially since i almost died of ED 4 years ago.
how cute--your cats!!!!! i want one--i love kitties!! aw how cute. i want to get a cat so bad , but we cant have cats here....have a wonderful christmas to you, too!!!

janurse's picture

Grace...it's good to hear determination in your words and focus on what is going to help you in your recovery. Just remember that we will all be here to support you through this and whatever crosses your path....love to you..Jan

anon2's picture

Jan
Thanks

A month ago I e-mailed my sister that knows of my Ed and Ive shared the most with her than any other family member.I thought she would support me in this...her reply to me was that she wasn't sure I should because she didn't think my parents would understand.For weeks after her e-mail I felt so alone because I thought I had her support.
I told her that I needed to do this for me.She doesn't know what my life has been like..what growing up was like for me.So I didn't talk to her for a while after that.Then I got an e-mail back last week saying that..if its what I had to do then that was my choice.Shes asked me to call her but I don't feel comfortable calling her right now.Im just not ready...........................................

I don't feel good about the letter but ..I was talking to my mom last night and she was talking about how she will be 72 next month and how her dad passed away at that same age.All I can think is what if they are gone someday and I regret never telling them.Then that may keep me from ever finding my way out of this!

janurse's picture

Good morning Grace! I can't tell you what is best, but from all that you shared, while you are frightened about their possible reaction, it is obviously very important to you that your parents know how you feel. I can't tell you what to do. But if you write a letter, I'm sure you will be kind in expressing how the events of the past affected you. You can only do what you decide to be best for you. What are you afraid of about calling your sister? Are you fearful that she is going to judge what you have decided to do? Only you can make that decision, but you know that we all are here to offer support. Love, Jan

anon2's picture

Good Morning Jan

Im afraid to call my sister because..I quess Im just afriad I will end up spilling everything ..about my assessment . Talking thrue-mail feels safer for me.I haven't told her yet and that Iwas told toseek in-patient treatment.I guess Im somewhat ambarrassed or worried what she will think..

Today I finally got to sleep in I didn't get up till 9 am Ive been really tired lately.
I will count on the support here if things dont go good after I share the letter with my parents!

hopeful's picture

Grace,

I share that fear... Silence can do that, I think... I know that when I'm silent for so long, I have a tendency to go overboard and say too much when it finally comes out... My co-workers think it's hilarious! ;0) I'm so quiet, then I'll burst out in some tyrade or other! Hahaha! Oh, well... But that's all work stuff... It's okay... I share your fear for sharing too much personal stuff... Who really wants to do that?? :0/

Years ago, when I first started telling people about my dad's alcoholism and abuse... I used to be plagued by nightmares in which all my teeth, really more than I could have possibly had, would pour out of my mouth and I was helpless to stop it! It was all about sharing too much. Scary stuff, my friend. But it really DOES get better... At least, it did for me when it comes to my dad... I CAN talk about that! :) Now, I must apply that knowledge to the ED... I must believe that it will also become easier to discuss... It's harder to me, though... Afterall, I was always the victim with my dad's drinking. I am the victim with my ED, but also the perpetrator. And I'm ashamed of that. I think that when I finally, once and for all, let go of the responsibility for my illness, truly begin to move into my "new order", and lose the shame, all that talking and trusting and feeling will heal me. And YOU too, friend! :)

Love to you!!

Jen

http://hopefulhealing.blogspot.com/

christa33's picture

grace, im so sorry your sister didnt seem to support your idea at first, but i think shes trying to understand now.if you think this is important for your healing and your personal growth, then i think you should tell your parents. but that is only my opinion. you have to do what you feel is right for you. call your sister when you feel ready...
im glad you are being brave and fighting for yourself...
i hope the best for you!
merry christmas
christa

janurse's picture

Grace...I agree that this is a very constructive action on your part for YOU. I can echo what Jen, Patsy and Christa have written. I think the idea of a no-send letter that is not censored first, might relieve the pressure for you to edit it to the way you want it to send it. Stating how YOU FEEL or FELT is absolutely the best way to approach it.
I also believe strongly that after you have presented these issues to your parents, however that turns out, you are going to feel a lot less tension inside, and I suspect even when you are around them. That elephant is on the table every time you are around your family..no wonder your emotions run so high!
I'm sorry that the Holidays this year are so much harder for you. I truly believe that this is part of your intense chaos that will eventually smooth into your new order. Love to you friend...Jan

janurse's picture

Grace...I understand. If you feel safer sharing in an email, then perhaps that would be good. I can't say for sure, of course, but I would suspect that your sister would want to know, and she could possibly be a support for you too after you send the letter to your parents. Please take care of yourself..Jan

anon2's picture

Jan

I was thinking of calling my sister today but didn't after all.Im not ready yet ..I just want to wait till my appointment in January.Id rather spend christmas with all of you...My husband knows how Im feeling.I toldhim today that if it weren't for him and the kids I don't know if I would still be here.

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